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Thursday, October 16th, 2003
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For my non-LJ friends.. I guess I should post something. My friend, Emma, died as a result of her anorexia. I can't say anymore. It's still really sinking in.
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Wednesday, October 8th, 2003
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I'm having the worst mood swings right now. Currently, I'm depressed, but I assure you, that will change by the time I'm done typing this.
All I want for my birthday is to feel loved. I know that I am loved, but sometimes I just don't feel it. So that's what I want for my birthday. To feel loved. Doesn't matter by who, I just want to feel this emotion that's been lacking from my life for so many years.
<33 Elle
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Comments: 11 whispers - in the dark.
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Friday, September 26th, 2003
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| Time: | 7:42 pm. |
| Mood: |  amused. |
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I wrote a song parody of 2 Become 1. *snickers* Imagine Maureen (from Rent) singing it to Joanne.
You and me, we’re here forever,
I dream of you and me together
Say you believe it, say you believe it.
Free your mind of boys, they’re danger,
I am real, I won’t flirt with strangers.
I can achieve it, I can achieve it.
Come a little bit closer, Pookie, lets get it on, get it on
‘Cause tonight is the night when two become one
I need my girl like I’ve never needed her before
(wanna make love to you, Pookie)
I had a little love, now I’m back for more
(wanna make love to you, Pookie)
Let your pride go free, it’s the only way to be.
Silly games that I was playing,
Empty words we both were saying.
Lets work it out, girl, lets work it out, girl.
Any deal that we endeavor,
Girls and girls go good together.
Take me or leave me, take me or leave me.
Are you as good as I remember, Pookie? Lets get it on, get it on
‘Cause tonight is the night when two become one
CHORUS
Oh whoa, oh whoa
Be a little bit wiser, Pookie, put it on, put it on
'Cause tonight is the night when two become one
I need my girl like I never needed her before
(wanna make love to ya, Pookie)
I had a little love, now I'm back for more
(wanna make love to ya, Pookie)
I need my girl like I never needed her before
(wanna make love to ya, Pookie)
I need my girl like I never needed her before
(wanna make love to ya, Pookie)
Let your pride go free, it's the only way to be
It's the only way to be (2x)
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Comments: 5 whispers - in the dark.
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| Time: | 10:19 am. |
| Mood: |  nervous. |
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New background, thanks to ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) engel_x. Yay! Finally, lol. I love it. :)
I posted this in punk_kitteness, but I'll post it here as well because I'm desaperate. Life or death situation would not be an exaggeration. Does anyone know of any good bipolar medications, besides Lithium? If I get low like the other night again, I'm so scared as to what I might do. :/
<33 Elle
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Comments: 3 whispers - in the dark.
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Wednesday, September 24th, 2003
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I feel like I'm losing Arwen all over again. I told her right from the very beginning that I was the kind of person who constantly pushed people away, who didn't call, who was scared and paranoid and jealous and just overall a shitty friend. She swore to me that it didn't matter and that she would be my best friend forever. She SWORE. Over and over and over again. But now I'm best friend-less yet again, and I feel like SHIT. Like crying and cutting and starving and purging and pulling my hair and burning and scratching and fucking DYING. I loved her more than Arwen. So very very much more. And now I've lost them both. Why? Me. All. My. Fault.
Ellen, I HATE YOU!!! A hate that burns right through my soul and poisons my very BEING. You sicken me. The very sight of you makes me quiver in terror and hatred, makes me want to take a razor and cut off the "pretty" (or so they say) features so everyone can see the true ugliness that is you. The ugliness that is so horrid that it stains not only you, but the lives of others as well. Die, bitch, die. You kill, you extinguish joy and happiness of others, and therefore you too should die. And I shall be the one to kill you.
Numb. Numb is all I feel. Numb, that is, besides the rage, the pain and the loss that radiate from my soul. But the rage and the sadness are directed at myself. I cannot feel anything towards others. I want to be angry, I want to feel SOMETHING at you like I did towards Arwen so many years ago, but I can't. Physically can't. Is that a good sign? Is it good that I haven't yet torn apart the pictures, butchered and burned the memories? I don't know. Maybe it's because I know in my heart (such an ugly thing, my heart, uncapable of love, the purest of all emotions) that you're right? Arwen was wrong. 100% incorrect in her words and, more so, her actions, and I knew that. Knew it and still do know that I was right in that situation. Who is right here? More importantly, does it matter? Is it true what they say, can time heal all wounds? Or will we be forever left with a gaping hole through the one heart that I, at one time, thought we both shared? Will we part, and these questions will remain forever unanswered? Please, I pray to the God I don't even believe in, please no. Please let me keep the only person I've ever truly loved. And I repeat it. Begging, pleading, praying, crying, down on my knees and shaking... Let me keep her, let me keep her, let me keep her...
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Comments: 6 whispers - in the dark.
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Sunday, September 21st, 2003
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| Time: | 2:44 pm. |
| Mood: |  crushed. |
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Idea stolen from shibaiko.
Ok, so today has really been a rough day. There's too much angst in my journal so I won't say why, but how about something fun for once? Ok, I want you guys to pretend we've never met before (don't care who you are, my best friend or just some random person who added me) and tell me some facts about yourself. Name, age, location, what you think about me, about yourself, random facts, etc. For once, this entry is all about you!
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Comments: 16 whispers - in the dark.
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| Time: | 3:15 am. |
| Music: | Too Close to the Flame ~ Mute (clip). |
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To the non-LJ friends:
Yesterday sucked. My mom kicked me out of the house/car, I left home, came back, tried to kill myself again, went to sleep, woke up, got an e-mail that said my Adam cd was in the mail (fucking yay!) and *drum roll* Adam and Cybele are having another baby! So yesterday was the worst day of my life, but today has started out on an awesome note. I can't wait to see Adam's new baby, I hope it's a girl. I hope they name her Ellen. There will be pictures everywhere, I can't wait to see!
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Comments: 2 whispers - in the dark.
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Friday, September 19th, 2003
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| Time: | 10:21 am. |
| Mood: |  accomplished. | | Music: | typing. |
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So I made a sort of temporary layout. I hate it, but it's only temporary, until I can make something better. I'm going to keep the boxes the same, but eventually I'm going to get rid of the mirror thing and replace it with something better and more purple. *sighs* I hate it. But what do y'all think?
<33 Mel
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Comments: 7 whispers - in the dark.
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| Time: | 3:45 am. |
| Mood: |  drained. | | Music: | Dreaming Of You .x. Selena. |
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Last night I was going to do something really stupid. I told one of my friends in an e-mail what I wanted to do, and as I was writing the e-mail one phrase kept repeating throughout my mind... "And I beg for the courage to press send." And, thank God, I had the courage to press send because the things she wrote back really got through to me and I didn't do anything. Well, besides writing a poem. ;) But I think that my meds are way off, I think my lows are WAY too low, and I need to change that, and quickly, before I do something really stupid. Because when I get into moods like that I'm not thinking rationally or clearly... And I DON'T want to hurt myself. At least, I don't when my mind is clear and not cluttered by the millions of haunting depression thoughts. (and if you've been depressed you'll know what I mean by that.) So, yes... I realize that this post probably won't make any sense to anyone except Lissa (and Pam, after I explain it to her later), but... I had to get it out. Maybe this will clear it up. It's my poem:
-AND I BEG FOR THE COURAGE-
And I beg for the courage to press send as I sit at the keyboard typing out the note.
The note. The last words my distorted vision will see again.
And I beg for the courage to press send.
And as I beg for the courage to press that one button, I beg for another, I pray for the courage to take that weapon I chose from before. The weapon I chose from the stash of ever-growing methods of self-torture.
And I beg for the courage to press send.
Skeletal fingers fly over the buttons, pouring words I didn’t know I had inside of me, letting out feelings I did not know existed, as I cry crimson tears from my wrists. Years swearing I would stop… Tonight will be my last time.
And I beg for the courage to press send.
Five last words, “I love you, forgive me” and I beg for the courage. The passion burning inside of me has died out, all feeling numbed by the icy chill of terror that washes over me as I bring a shaky hand dripping scarlet tears precariously over the mouse.
And I beg for the courage to press send.
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Comments: 16 whispers - in the dark.
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Thursday, September 18th, 2003
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| Time: | 12:04 pm. |
| Mood: | exhausted. | | Music: | Goodbye to You ~ The Used. |
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So I fixed up the layout a bit, just so it wasn't so boring and BLAH looking. LoL, I still hate it. But hopefully I'll get a paid account soon so I can make it look really nice and stuff. :)
Today I had a million doctors visits and went to my evaluation for an outpatient hospital type thing. I hope I don't get in, Pam went there as well and I just generally got a bad impression of the place, and of her therapist especially. Anyway, I'd rather do this on my own, you know? I think I can, with the help of my therapist, friends, and family.
Well, I'm BEYOND exhausted right now, so I'm gonna go. Hope you all had a good day!
EDIT: Paaaam!! *pounce* You suck! :P
<33 Mel
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Comments: 5 whispers - in the dark.
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Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
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Meh. Layout so boring. I'll have to work on it a little later tonight when LJ feels like cooperating with me. Anyone wanna buy me a paid account? ;)
Ok, so I'll probably transfer some older entries from punk_kitteness into this journal a little later on so my 'Frew, SAFE, and anonymous friends can be a part of my life again. Just some important stuff, like the hospital and my revelation today when I was reading Lissa's (<3) journal. But for now all I'll say is, "Hello, I'm bored, comment to be added, I want a paid account," and, "good night." :)
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Comments: 16 whispers - in the dark.
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